The Longest Night

I feel like I am going through one incredibly long night. My sleep is sporadic, and rarely restful. I always awake tired and sore. I try to workout to exaustion in order to sleep better but it doesn’t help much. I’m always in a half slumber. I’m never fully awake nor am I ever fully asleep.

I don’t want to call it depression for that is too simple of a word. It’s more complex than that. I feel like there are lessons I am meant to learn, things I need to experience during this part of my growth. And, this is the only way to experience them.

I am in constant rumination, constantly thinking about my past. I remember my experiences one way but in light of all I’ve learned since then, I begin to see them in a new light. This way my past is changing. I’m reminded of the ouroboros dragon that consumes it’s own tail. like a cow chewing its cud, I bring back my past to reexamine them and form new interpretations.

It’s not all bad, I am still learning from this. Slowly but surely I am making slight changes in my behavior. By examining my problems I can find the root causes and shift my behavior and habits in order to endure that I don’t repeat the same mistakes.

Where this is going I don’t know. I am only reporting my experiences, hoping that writing them might help me get a better grasp of things.

You have to do the work

No it will not just happen to you. It won’t magically fall into your lap. You have to work for it. Yes work. No bullshit no shortcuts pure effort and will.

If the was a shortcut then that would become the way. The work is the short cut. People have already done it before and will do it again and again. You are only making excuses. Wallowing in your own self pity.

Is this all. Is this all you want from life. Living today constantly thinking about tomorrow. You have to be careful. The apathy is creeping in, making you feel as if you shouldn’t do anything. As if it’s not worth it. Well it is worth it. Quit the cynicism.

New Beginnings

Recently moved to a new city. I have taken the first steps on the journey. Now there is no going back. It’s a bit exiting, a bit scary, and a little sad. This is the biggest thing that I have ever done. To move to a completely new area where I know no one and have nothing but the backpack on my back.

My biggest struggle is staying positive. I keep doubting myself. Telling myself ” this is a mistake”,”you won’t be able to find a job”,”you are going to fail”. It seems bad, but when you spend a lot of time in solitude away from home, your thoughts often tend to go toward the negative. I have to consciously choose to be positive, choose to think of the good things; all the new places to see, the new people to meet. Even knowing this I still struggle with it, you have to struggle. Fight the good fight and all.

Another problem is just the sheer amount of time I have on my hands with little to do. I have to find creative ways to fill the time. Reading is my usual go-to but I want to have my own adventures now, not to read the adventures of others. Journaling helps calm my thoughts, walking is good both physically keeping active and as a means of exploring the city simultaneously.

Goals are to find a place to stay and a job ASAP. After I take care of being able feeding and sheltering myself, I will work on figuring out the next steps.

Other than that everything’s going good. Perspective changes everything. I choose to see this as a city full of opportunity. I’ve met with some bad on the journey but I’ve also met with amazingly good people. This is what I enjoy of traveling. I could meet 10 bad people but 1 good one wipes them all. Reminds me that they are just dealing with their own problems, it just happened to leak on to me. Also to make sure to deal with my problems on my own so they don’t have to leak onto random strangers who have done me no harm.

Welcome to the Journey

Welcome to Finding Hearth. This is my personal blog to document my Thoughts, ideas, questions, and philosophical inquiries. This is the journey of my life, the journey of a human being going through the world

My journey is to find my hearth. Hearth is the fireplace, it’s where people gather, where they share stories, where they go to feel warmth. Hearth is a place of warmth. A good hearth is a place where you feel human, whether alone or in good company. Hearth is Home.

I always loved camping. My favorite part is sitting in front of the fire. Watching the flames lick the logs or watching the coals pulse with the flames. The variations of color, the crackling noise, the warmth it gives of. It’s just comfortable sitting in front of a fire.

People are friendly around a campfire sharing laughs and stories. I want that feeling all the time. My journey is to find that to live life to the fullest and enjoy every bit of it from the wondrous joy to absolute despair.

I think everyone is doing this in their own way. Everyone wants to find that place they belong. The place the can be themselves, truly themselves. This is my story of how I am going to find it or should I say create it. For that is what I am building.